Andre Le Singe Foundation Endows Chair of Scurvy Research
After more than four years spent wandering a wilderness populated by charity foundations without a clear objective (and the resulting tax-exempt status), the Andre Le Singe Foundation announced Tuesday that it intends to devote its considerable resources and expertise to the eradication of the debilitating disease of scurvy in Canada. In order to do so, it will be making an initial down payment on the endowment of a $1.2 million Chair of Scurvy Research to be located at the as yet unaccredited University of Port Hope.
While less of a problem now than in the sea-faring days of the 17th century, scurvy remains as dangerous today as it was to the malnourished crewmen of Henry Hudson’s ill-fated excursion. Even more perilous than the disease itself is the fact that public awareness of scurvy is currently at an all-time low in Canada. According to informal Jay-walking type surveys conducted by the Foundation, less than 10 per cent of the adult population possesses even a basic awareness of the disease and less than 1 per cent of those with awareness actually know anyone who has suffered from scurvy. (Survey was accurate to plus or minus 24%, four times out of ten.) Last year, the Foundation’s pilot project, Scurvy in the Schools, found that only one in 100 grade four students knew that early-stage scurvy could be cured by eating an orange, and the one student in question did not appear to be particularly well socially adapted.
Andre Le Singe spokesman A. Dick Nowakowski issued a prepared statement to the media in conjunction with the announcement,
“The Andre Le Singe Foundation is delighted to have secured scurvy as its objective, particularly given the dearth of bona fide diseases remaining without associated charitable foundations. The selection of scurvy as our disease was made following a rigorous and scientifically defensible process which eliminated other contenders such as black lung, consumption and the bubonic plague. Hopefully with our interventions, there will be no more disasters akin to that which claimed Henry Hudson and his crew in the 17th century. The Foundation is also excited about the prospect of the University of Port Hope being recognized by provincial authorities, and the potential to attract a top-flight academic to sit in what promises to be a spectacular Chair.”
In response to questions Nowakowski clarified that there would, in fact, be a physical chair associated with the position, and that the chair’s design would in some way be tied into scurvy, while remaining extremely comfortable for the chosen academic. He further clarified that while Henry Hudson’s crew didn’t actually sail in the 17th century, scurvy got them nonetheless, and that was further evidence of its danger. Repeated requests by reporters for statistics on the number of patients in Ontario affected by scurvy were met with repeated references to the media line response “One is too many.” Nowakowski conceded that the Foundation may be forced to abandon its commitment to feminism as a result of this new initiative, but noted that feminism hasn't really been relevant since 1964. The press conference then ended after several minutes of uncomfortable silence.
Persons wishing to donate to the Andre Le Singe Foundation’s Chair of Scurvy Research can send an e-mail to Mr. Nowakowski at dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca.
posted by A. Dick Nowakowski @ 12:22 PM
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