A. Dick Nowakowski to Erect Monument to Dim-Witted in Vancouver’s Stanley Park

Noted philanthropist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski announced Tuesday that he intends to build a monument honouring dim-witted residents of the Lower Mainland on a flat portion of land he has identified during a hike in Stanley Park in Vancouver. Students from the Carleton School of Architecture have been commissioned to create the $2.3 million monument, which will be made entirely of wood and papier maché.

“Of all the disadvantaged groups in society,” opined Nowakowski through a spokesman, “the dim-witted receive the least respect. Just look at how they are portrayed in Jim Carrey movies.”

Nowakowski went on to detail the difficulties the dim-witted have with using e-mail, comparing prices in supermarkets, merging on highways and finding the morals in stories. They are, he noted, genuinely disappointed on an annual basis when the Leafs get knocked out of the playoffs. Further, states Nowakowski, the Andre Le Singe Foundation estimates that the dim-witted of Canada lose between $3 and $4 million every year to Africans who randomly e-mail them requesting banking information.

“If this were happening to another disadvantaged group, there would be angry marches on parliament and letters to the editior. Of course the dim-witted probably aren’t the best at organizing marches, and it is fairly apparent why they don’t write letters. So we’re building them a monument.”

Nowakowski, who assisted in preliminary design work on the monument, specified that it must be at least 72 metres in height, in order that it may be seen above the tree-line of the park from downtown Vancouver. The monument will be constructed in the shape of a D, which “stands for dim-witted but sadly, is also a very familiar symbol to many of our dim-witted students.” Eventually, likenesses of prominent members of the dimwitted community will be added to the D.

Nowakowski estimated that construction of the monument will start in the spring and take 11 years to complete. He then hurriedly left the press conference while berating an aide after a reporter expressed surprise that he was able to get a building permit for Stanley Park.