Dick Nowakowski to paraglide off of Buffalo City Hall

On July 17, 2007, renowned stuntman and free-form dancer A. Dick Nowakowski will launch his paraglider from the top of Buffalo City Hall in support of battered kidneys. Having spent the past two years in a tunnel under McElroy Park in Jamestown, North Dakota in a misguided attempt to burrow to Fargo by hand, Mr. Nowakowski is back above ground and ready to leap into the public spotlight, both literally and figuratively.

Nowakowski spokesperson Hank White confirmed that Mr. Nowakowski would be flying the “Wings of Dick”, a hang-glider crafted by A. Dick himself as part of a grade nine science fair project. The July 17 event will be the maiden flight of the glider, which is crafted from recycled tissue and string on a rectangular frame crafted from several tree branches. Mr. Nowakowksi's good friends in the Buffalo Gay Men's Chorus will provide a musical backdrop to the event. Mr. White was unable to provide details of Mr. Nowakowski’s planned course, although noted that he would be bringing his passport in case prevailing winds take him across the border.

While he did not attend the press conference due to ongoing complications arising from scurvy contracted underground, Mr. Nowakowski did send a prepared statement to be read by White. “I thank all of you for attending this press conference which I myself did not attend. Good for all of you. I have long been a big supporter of the fight against battered kidneys and can assure you that all of this will make a difference one day. As I am soaring over the beautiful city of Buffalo on July 17 to the soulful sound of my good friends in the Buffalo Gay Men's Chorus, and perhaps over the Niagara River and perhaps over Lake Erie depending on updrafts, I will remember each and every one of you that were here today, though I could not be.”

When contacted after the press conference, Stuart Rudner, a permit clerk at Buffalo City Hall stated that he was unaware of the planned flight and was certain that no application for the stunt had been submitted as “I would remember something like that”. When pressed as to whether he would support Mr. Nowakowski’s flight off of the building, Mr. Rudner stated “I can’t comment on that absent the submission of an application, but what do you think?”

Donations to the A. Dick Fights Battered Kidneys Fund can be made through the Andre Le Singe Foundation or at any Addition-elle location in the Niagara Peninsula.

A. Dick Nowakowski Announces Retirement from Competitive Fencing

Noted industrialist and jazzicist A. Dick Nowakowski held a press conference at his Dickland Ranch and Game Farm earlier today to announce his retirement from the world of competitive fencing. Citing “political interference” in the selection of Canada’s national fencing team as the primary reason for his decision, Nowakowski explained that he had never been able to reach his full potential in the sport and would not settle for mediocrity

Reporters who attended the surprising conference were unable to unearth any evidence that Nowakowski, who had not appeared in a news release for over 4 1/2 months, ever participated in competitive fencing at any level. The single connection between Nowakowski and fencing that was located came in the form of a recollection from a childhood friend that Nowakowski had once accompanied him to a Cub Scouts party where members of the troupe were allowed to play with plastic swords.

Nowakowski did not take questions, but left that task to longtime spokesperson and Nowakowski family confidant Hank White. White quickly disposed of questions relating to Nowakowski’s history in fencing, calling them “not worth addressing” and instead went on to read what appeared to be a prepared statement that highlighted the importance of fencing to the Canadian mosaic and noted that Nowakowski was sincere in his hope that those in the sport could “shake off the shackles imposed on them by Fencing Canada and continue to build on the legacy that Nowakowski left as a gift to fencers across the country”. When pressed on the details of that legacy, White simply noted that it was related to “foil choice”.

Before departing with a fling of his A. Dick Duds cape, White announced that Nowakowski was considering funding the A. Dick Cup, which would be an alternative Canadian fencing championship. According to White, negotiations were underway with the Rogers Centre and other potential venues in the Greater Caledon area.

A. Dick Nowakowski’s Bird Flu Pandemic Protection Tips

Despite the imminent onset of a massive deadly bird flu pandemic, there has been surprisingly little information distributed by health authorities on how the public can protect itself and its families. To that end, noted saxophonist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski offers fourteen practical safety tips that will provide maximum protection from the H5N1 virus at minimum cost.


1. Avoid contracting foot and mouth disease. Bird flu is extremely deadly for persons already stricken with foot and mouth disease.

2. Watch for chickens that are sneezing or coughing, or that are in drug stores buying Contact ‘C’. Also avoid people who you suspect to be buying Contact ‘C’ for sick chickens.

3. Your immune system is your only defence against the pandemic and should be kept in tip-top shape. This can only be done by way of regular practice. Try to contract the regular flu every 2-3 weeks to ensure that your immune system is at its best.

4. Wash your hands at least five times per day in a simple solution of PCB’s and water, which will kill bird flu virus on contact. (PCB’s can be found at abandoned hydro stations or near the sites of tire fires.)

5. Pigs are often incubators for human forms of the bird virus. If you see a pig, turn and walk quickly in the opposite direction, or simply get off the bus (assuming you are on a bus – don’t get on a bus just so you can follow this instruction).

6. Start a Bird-Flu-Free Club with friends and co-workers, to the exclusion of all others. Ensure that all members of the club are tested for bird flu every two to three days.

7. If you are over 65 years of age, you are particularly susceptible to the bird flu virus. Fortunately you also lived through the Cold War. Roughly the same precautions that you somehow thought would protect you from an enemy nuclear strike will also work against the bird flu, assuming you still have your backyard fallout shelter.

8. If you are in doubt as to whether symptoms you are experiencing are actually bird flu, stay home from work for at least two months. Ideally some of this time will coincide with the Winter Olympics.

9. If, however, you do decide to go to work, a simple scarecrow can be fashioned out of file boxes, coat-hangers and a pumpkin, and placed outside your office door. This will keep most types of birds at a safe distance.

10. If you currently have any meetings scheduled with chickens, try to reschedule for April, after flu season has run its course.

11. If you must keep poultry around the office, ensure that you are not relying on padlocks and chain-link fences to contain your flock, as these are entirely inadequate to detain chickens (see Chicken Run movie).

12. Vote Conservative. (To date only the Conservatives have made the bird flu scare a central element of their electoral platform. Prevailing wisdom is that the coming pandemic is the result of widespread Liberal corruption and mismanagement and that it can be staved off by a change in government.)

13. Consider it your patriotic duty not to contract bird flu. If we all contract bird flu, the terrorists have won.

14. Regardless of what you are told by the media or your government, Tamiflu is the go-to drug here. Hoard as much Tamiflu as possible.

A. Dick Nowakowski Withdraws from Canadian Avalanche Association

Celebrated tenor saxophonist A. Dick Nowakowski announced Wednesday that he was cancelling his membership in the Canadian Avalanche Association, six hours after learning that the Association was dedicated to the prevention of avalanches in Canada. The revelation was brought on by the receipt of an annual members’ mailing which included the Association’s mission statement, a document generally geared to the promotion of avalanche safety and research.

“I think this is a blatant case of misleading advertising,” said Nowakowski in a press release, “What reasonable person would look at the name of this group and assume that they were in the business of stopping avalanches? How many people have donated money to the Canadian Avalanche Association under false pretenses? I, for one, intend to get my money back.”

Subsequent to his comments on the Canadian Avalanche Association, Nowakowski announced the creation of an avalanche association with “considerably more integrity” which is to be named Avalanches Canada. He also displayed a hand-drawn version of a logo which, by Nowakowski’s own acknowledgement, closely resembled the red and white slope logo of the Canadian Avalanche Association. “Whereas theirs is a traditional red,” noted Nowakowski, “ours is more of an off-red. In the marketing world, those are miles apart.”

A. Dick Nowakowski spokesperson Hank White appeared to provide details on the progress of the new organization. “In the first half-hour after putting our new logo on the website, Avalanches Canada has received over $4500 in donations. I think it’s fair to call that a good start.” White later said he “seriously doubted” that the donations had anything to do with the similarities between the Avalanches Canada logo and that of the Canadian Avalanche Association.

White was less specific on the goals of the new organization. While a legal disclaimer at the bottom of the Avalanches Canada site lists “avalanche fans” as the intended users of the site, White refused to limit himself when speaking of the goals of the organization. “This is a group dedicated to avalanches in all forms, shapes and sizes, and to the betterment of humankind generally. Don’t try to pigeon-hole us because guaranteed we’ll surprise you,” said White.

An hour after the press conference, the A. Dick Nowakowski Family of Companies announced plans to fund the construction of an avalanche observation centre and day spa in the Whistler area.

A. Dick Nowakowski Challenges National Ballet Principal Dancer to a Dance-off

Eminent industrialist and self-taught dance impresario A. Dick Nowakowski has issued a dance challenge to National Ballet of Canada Principal Dancer Guillaume Côté, pledging to best Côté in an “old-fashioned dance-off”. A. Dick Nowakowski Sports & Entertainment spokesman Henry White announced Tuesday that Nowakowski would “outdance Côté any time, any place.”

Mr. Nowakowski, whose resumé includes three improvised one-man shows in non-traditional venues and one abbreviated stint as a backup dancer for Terrence Trent D’Arby, presented himself for a photo session with press photographers Monday. During the entire 1 ½ hour duration of the event, Mr. Nowakowski refused to speak, offering only menacing glares at those assembled. He also wore a t-shirt that featured a crude hand-drawn illustration depicting Mr. Côté being bitten by a dog.

Mr. Côté, for his part, trained at the prestigious National Ballet School, where he was awarded both the Peter Dwyer and the Erik Bruhn Awards and has since appeared in over 50 performances with the National Ballet. Mr. Côté seemed bewildered when asked for comment on the challenge. “To be honest,” said Mr. Côté, “I can’t say I know who that is. I’m not sure the National Ballet is big on dance-offs, but I could look into it.”

Undeterred by continuing tepid reviews of his latest dance offering “The A. Dick Dance”, Mr. Nowakowski through Mr. White maintained that his “cutting edge choreography will expose Côté for the pampered fraud that he is”. Mr. White also noted that Mr. Nowakowski continues to refine the A. Dick Dance, and has recently eliminated a sequence involving an assortment of birds of prey feeding on family pets, which had apparently left some reviewers squeamish.

As of Tuesday, Mr. White was unable to provide details as to how tickets to the dance-off would be distributed, or what the size of the purse would be. He was able to confirm that he suspected that Mr. Nowakowski would not involve the birds of prey when the time comes.

A. Dick Nowakowski Takes 115th Spot in 10k Olympic Tune-up Race

Amateur magician and distance runner A. Dick Nowakowski placed 115th overall in the November Kneeknocker 10 k held in Oakville, Ontario on the weekend, a race that he referred to as an “Olympic tuneup event”. Nowakowski noted that he has been training for the 10 km race for seven years, and has his sights on Beijing in 2008. “I felt good out there,” stated Nowakowski, who finished with a time of 1:08:37. “You don’t want to go out to fast. 10k is a long haul. Sprint out of the gate and those late chargers will get you in the end.”

Despite Nowakowski’s strategy, 13 out of 14 competitors in his age group managed to get him in the end. Nonetheless, Nowakowski insisted that the race was a success. “I ran my race, which is what I’ll have to do to have a chance of beating the Kenyans in ‘08. Stride count was good and my new Nowakowski Air Monkey shoes, which I designed myself, felt great. I was able to shave 8 minutes off my previous personal best.”

Nowakowski seemed to flinch slightly when informed that the Athens Olympic champion over 10 km, Kenenisa Bekele, finished his race in 27 minutes 5 seconds, a full 40 minutes faster than Nowakowski’s Oakville time. “He was actually at the Olympics – I’m just training for the Olympics. Of course he was faster.” noted Nowakowski, “There is a crucial difference there. Plus it is windier here, and also that guy probably didn’t have to deal with middle aged women in his race who are impossible to pass when they take smoke breaks right on the course.” This last comment by Nowakowski’s was questioned openly by onlookers as all ten runners in the women 40-44 years of age category finished ahead of Nowakowski. In addition, only three of the women were smokers.

Still, Nowakowski remained resolute in his conviction. “Based on the strides I am making, there is no doubt I can cut – what was it 40 minutes? Jesus. Anyway, there’s no doubt that I can cut 40 minutes off my time by 2008.”

Members of the athletics community were equally divided on Nowakowski’s chances of shaving from his time the 39 minutes required in order to qualify for the Canadian Olympic team and travel to Beijing. “I like his chances if he’s 75 and they introduce age-related categories at the Olympic trials,” said Wade Williams of Enormous Runner Magazine. “I think he’s ugly,” opined Rob Shipcott of Vogue.

A spokesperson for Bekele opted not to offer any comment on Nowakowski’s race result, although he did confirm that Bekele intends to defend his title in 2008. The full table of Kneeknocker results can be found at:

http://www.chiptimeresults.com/results/2005/kneeknocker10k.htm

A. Dick Nowakowski’s Spinning Wheel of Light

You too can be part of the magic when noted social activist and dance prodigy A. Dick Nowakowski reunites with his good friends from the Buffalo Gay Men’s Chorus for an evening of music, dance and light. It all takes place on January 14, 2005 in the grasslands abutting Peace Bridge Plaza in beautiful Fort Erie, Ontario. The event is being staged to draw attention to the plight of convenience store workers worldwide.

Over the past three months, fabric workers at the Textile Pavilion at the Dickland Ranch and Game Farm have thrown statutorily mandated maximum hours standards to the wind in order to prepare 46 exact replicas of Nowakowski’s spectacular luminescent unitard, one for each member of the Gay Men’s Chorus. Fortunately recent advances in the unitard coating process have allowed Nowakowski to reduce the time it takes to produce each unitard from 11 months in the mid-1990’s to today’s six weeks, making this event possible.

At 4:35 pm, as the sun sets in the Western sky over the second-most scenic community on this stretch of the Niagara River, Nowakowski and the Chorus members will take their positions on the grass. As the haunting sounds of Enya drift up to the Peace Bridge border crossing, the Chorus members will fan out into a giant ring, with Nowakowski as its shining centre point. Shimmering in the dying embers of the day, the Chorus will begin to jog counter-clockwise, reflecting the golden rays of the sun onto the Peace Bridge Plaza in a stunning display of moving light and sound.

All the while the “wheel of light” is rotating, Nowakowski himself will perform a mini-concert of new material from his latest offering, “Enya Plus”, a collection of lyrics which Nowakowski has devised to enhance the haunting melodies of the legendary Irish songstress. The Chorus will then abruptly reverse direction and accompany Nowakowski as he kicks up the pace with his crowd-pleasing medley of ‘Till Tuesday covers. All symbolism will be explained by captions appearing on giant screens that will be trucked in for the event.

In addition to the day’s main event, A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment has lined up a stunning array of secondary performers including ADNSE Spokesman Hank White reading selections of Nowakowski’s didactic poetry, Jeff Woodlock and his Screaming Banjo performing his time-honoured Bowmanville Ballads, and Dan “Company Man” Rabinowitz’s fist solo performance featuring a selection of lead guitar tracks from various concerts in which Dan has played lead guitar. Also included will be A. Dick Duds Burka giveaways and free camel rides for the children.

Dick looks forward to seeing all of his fans and supporters in Fort Erie on Januray 14. Textile workers from A. Dick Nowakowski Enterprises will be on hand to collect donations for the Andre Le Singe Foundation’s brand new Peace in Our Stores Fund.