A. Dick Nowakowski to Rollerblade Down Gateway Arch in Protest of Chinese Occupation of Nepal

On October 12, 2005 at 9:30 a.m., noted industrialist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski will strap on his roller blades at the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Missouri in an effort to raise awareness of the Chinese Occupation of Nepal. Nowakowski’s monkey Andre will be making the descent with him, perched on his left shoulder. If they achieve their goal, Nowakowski will be the first person to successfully descend from the apex of the 660 foot Arch, which is the fourth most visited tourist destination in the world, without the aid of any man-made restraints. Likewise, Andre will be the first monkey to do so.

In preparation for his descent, Nowakowski has spent the past eleven months descending various smaller arches around North America, including the largest McDonald’s sign in the United States, which is located off interstate 81 in Binghampton, NY. (It is notable that Nowakowski was forced to spend 16 weeks in the hospital following that particular descent to recover from a concussion, broken bones and a ruptured spleen.) The month of July was then spent descending an “arch simulator” which Nowakowski constructed in his backyard. As a result of this intensive training regimen, Nowakowski has pronounced himself ready to tackle the mother of all arches, the Gateway Arch.

Nowakowski’s rollerblading suit, which was custom made for the descent, combines the pageantry of traditional Sherpa wedding attire with the protection of a complete set of football padding. Andre the monkey has been fitted with a matching suit. The suits include bat wing webbing which stretches between the arms and body. When Nowakowski and Andre’s arms are extended, the bat wings will increase drag as they move down the Arch. Nowakowski has also fitted a set of Ford Escort brakes to his standard rollerblades to assist in slowing his descent. Physicists have estimated that the rollerblading activist and monkey will reach top speeds of 315 kilometres per hour as they round the curve of the arch and head for the ground.

In contemplation of the fact that the bat wings and brakes may not sufficiently reduce his speed, Nowakowski has arranged to pile 150 used tires at the base of the Arch to break his fall. If all goes well, Nowakowski does not expect that the tires will be needed.
After the stunt, Nowakowski will perform a medley from his Songs and Sounds of the Sherpa dance production with the assistance of Andre and the Nowakowski Family Folk Singers, a group which features twelve members of a family that escaped from Poland by crossing the Alps prior to the student protests of 1982. Members of the Chinese Troops Out of Nepal Foundation will also be present to solicit donations for the cause.