A. Dick Nowakowski’s Spinning Wheel of Light

You too can be part of the magic when noted social activist and dance prodigy A. Dick Nowakowski reunites with his good friends from the Buffalo Gay Men’s Chorus for an evening of music, dance and light. It all takes place on January 14, 2005 in the grasslands abutting Peace Bridge Plaza in beautiful Fort Erie, Ontario. The event is being staged to draw attention to the plight of convenience store workers worldwide.

Over the past three months, fabric workers at the Textile Pavilion at the Dickland Ranch and Game Farm have thrown statutorily mandated maximum hours standards to the wind in order to prepare 46 exact replicas of Nowakowski’s spectacular luminescent unitard, one for each member of the Gay Men’s Chorus. Fortunately recent advances in the unitard coating process have allowed Nowakowski to reduce the time it takes to produce each unitard from 11 months in the mid-1990’s to today’s six weeks, making this event possible.

At 4:35 pm, as the sun sets in the Western sky over the second-most scenic community on this stretch of the Niagara River, Nowakowski and the Chorus members will take their positions on the grass. As the haunting sounds of Enya drift up to the Peace Bridge border crossing, the Chorus members will fan out into a giant ring, with Nowakowski as its shining centre point. Shimmering in the dying embers of the day, the Chorus will begin to jog counter-clockwise, reflecting the golden rays of the sun onto the Peace Bridge Plaza in a stunning display of moving light and sound.

All the while the “wheel of light” is rotating, Nowakowski himself will perform a mini-concert of new material from his latest offering, “Enya Plus”, a collection of lyrics which Nowakowski has devised to enhance the haunting melodies of the legendary Irish songstress. The Chorus will then abruptly reverse direction and accompany Nowakowski as he kicks up the pace with his crowd-pleasing medley of ‘Till Tuesday covers. All symbolism will be explained by captions appearing on giant screens that will be trucked in for the event.

In addition to the day’s main event, A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment has lined up a stunning array of secondary performers including ADNSE Spokesman Hank White reading selections of Nowakowski’s didactic poetry, Jeff Woodlock and his Screaming Banjo performing his time-honoured Bowmanville Ballads, and Dan “Company Man” Rabinowitz’s fist solo performance featuring a selection of lead guitar tracks from various concerts in which Dan has played lead guitar. Also included will be A. Dick Duds Burka giveaways and free camel rides for the children.

Dick looks forward to seeing all of his fans and supporters in Fort Erie on Januray 14. Textile workers from A. Dick Nowakowski Enterprises will be on hand to collect donations for the Andre Le Singe Foundation’s brand new Peace in Our Stores Fund.

Social Activist A. Dick Nowakowski to Burrow From Jamestown, North Dakota to Bismarck, North Dakota in support of Social Reform in the U.S. Midwest

Recognized industrialist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski has announced through a spokesman that he intends to burrow underground from Jamestown, North Dakota to Bismark, North Dakota, a distance of approximately 159 kilometres. If successful, Nowakowski will hold the record for the longest subterranean journey in North Dakota history. His efforts are to be made in support of social reform efforts in the U.S. Midwest.

According to A. Dick Nowakowski spokesman Hank White, the date for the attempt has been set as May 17, 2006. This is based on Nowakowski’s calculation that the ground will have thawed prior to that date. As White points out, Nowakowski eschews the use of power tools, and therefore would have difficulty tunnelling through frozen ground.

At sunrise on May 17, Nowakowski will arrive at McElroy Park in Jamestown, North Dakota armed only with a standard spade and a pick axe. Following a ceremony to honour all miners worldwide currently trapped below ground, Nowakowski will don his head lamp and begin his dig. His plan involves a descent to a depth of 23 feet, which will allow him to avoid house foundations and most tree roots, before burrowing due west towards Bismarck.

Accompanying Nowakowski will be his pet vervet monkey Andre, who will be given the task of ascending from the burrow to bring Nowakowski food and water at regular intervals. Though Nowakowski “trusts his instincts” as far as navigation is concerned, White concedes that Andre may be sent to the surface for directions from time to time.

At a press conference in Jamestown on Saturday, White stressed the vital importance of social reform in the Midwest. “This has always been a cause which is near and dear to Dick’s heart,” said White to members of the North Dakota press, “Did you know that almost half of the population of your state believes that America’s acceptance of gay rights caused hurricane Wilma? Unbelievable.”

If all goes well, Nowakowski and Andre will burst from the ground of the south lawn of the Heritage Centre Museum of the State Capitol, off of Boulevard Avenue in Bismarck. He intends to mark the event with a series of interpretive dance moves depicting life underground, and a hip-hop performance by Nowakowski collaborator Kris Kross.

Site for Monument to Dim-Witted Changed to Surrey Industrial Park

In a surprise announcement read by A. Dick Nowakowski Sports & Entertainment spokesman Hank White, it was revealed that Nowakowski's personal pet project, a "Monument to the Dim-Witted", will not be built in Stanley Park as announced Friday morning, nor will it be made out of papier maché. Rather, the monument will now be constructed entirely out of steel on a vacant lot purchased Friday afternoon by ADNSE in the North Newton Industrial Park in Surrey, B.C.

White denied that the move was made because Nowakowski had failed to obtain the proper building permit prior to his Stanley Park announcement and, in conjunction with the Carleton School of Architecture, had failed to recognize that paper maché was not a construction material. White asserted that the decision was made solely because the Surrey site offered more parking for visitors and because projected world paper maché prices now made the Friday morning proposal economically unviable.

A footnote to the published statement indicated that the size of the monument would also be downgraded slightly, such that the monument would now measure 1.6 metres in height.

A. Dick Nowakowski to Erect Monument to Dim-Witted in Vancouver’s Stanley Park

Noted philanthropist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski announced Tuesday that he intends to build a monument honouring dim-witted residents of the Lower Mainland on a flat portion of land he has identified during a hike in Stanley Park in Vancouver. Students from the Carleton School of Architecture have been commissioned to create the $2.3 million monument, which will be made entirely of wood and papier maché.

“Of all the disadvantaged groups in society,” opined Nowakowski through a spokesman, “the dim-witted receive the least respect. Just look at how they are portrayed in Jim Carrey movies.”

Nowakowski went on to detail the difficulties the dim-witted have with using e-mail, comparing prices in supermarkets, merging on highways and finding the morals in stories. They are, he noted, genuinely disappointed on an annual basis when the Leafs get knocked out of the playoffs. Further, states Nowakowski, the Andre Le Singe Foundation estimates that the dim-witted of Canada lose between $3 and $4 million every year to Africans who randomly e-mail them requesting banking information.

“If this were happening to another disadvantaged group, there would be angry marches on parliament and letters to the editior. Of course the dim-witted probably aren’t the best at organizing marches, and it is fairly apparent why they don’t write letters. So we’re building them a monument.”

Nowakowski, who assisted in preliminary design work on the monument, specified that it must be at least 72 metres in height, in order that it may be seen above the tree-line of the park from downtown Vancouver. The monument will be constructed in the shape of a D, which “stands for dim-witted but sadly, is also a very familiar symbol to many of our dim-witted students.” Eventually, likenesses of prominent members of the dimwitted community will be added to the D.

Nowakowski estimated that construction of the monument will start in the spring and take 11 years to complete. He then hurriedly left the press conference while berating an aide after a reporter expressed surprise that he was able to get a building permit for Stanley Park.