A. Dick Nowakowski Withdraws from Canadian Avalanche Association

Celebrated tenor saxophonist A. Dick Nowakowski announced Wednesday that he was cancelling his membership in the Canadian Avalanche Association, six hours after learning that the Association was dedicated to the prevention of avalanches in Canada. The revelation was brought on by the receipt of an annual members’ mailing which included the Association’s mission statement, a document generally geared to the promotion of avalanche safety and research.

“I think this is a blatant case of misleading advertising,” said Nowakowski in a press release, “What reasonable person would look at the name of this group and assume that they were in the business of stopping avalanches? How many people have donated money to the Canadian Avalanche Association under false pretenses? I, for one, intend to get my money back.”

Subsequent to his comments on the Canadian Avalanche Association, Nowakowski announced the creation of an avalanche association with “considerably more integrity” which is to be named Avalanches Canada. He also displayed a hand-drawn version of a logo which, by Nowakowski’s own acknowledgement, closely resembled the red and white slope logo of the Canadian Avalanche Association. “Whereas theirs is a traditional red,” noted Nowakowski, “ours is more of an off-red. In the marketing world, those are miles apart.”

A. Dick Nowakowski spokesperson Hank White appeared to provide details on the progress of the new organization. “In the first half-hour after putting our new logo on the website, Avalanches Canada has received over $4500 in donations. I think it’s fair to call that a good start.” White later said he “seriously doubted” that the donations had anything to do with the similarities between the Avalanches Canada logo and that of the Canadian Avalanche Association.

White was less specific on the goals of the new organization. While a legal disclaimer at the bottom of the Avalanches Canada site lists “avalanche fans” as the intended users of the site, White refused to limit himself when speaking of the goals of the organization. “This is a group dedicated to avalanches in all forms, shapes and sizes, and to the betterment of humankind generally. Don’t try to pigeon-hole us because guaranteed we’ll surprise you,” said White.

An hour after the press conference, the A. Dick Nowakowski Family of Companies announced plans to fund the construction of an avalanche observation centre and day spa in the Whistler area.

A. Dick Nowakowski Challenges National Ballet Principal Dancer to a Dance-off

Eminent industrialist and self-taught dance impresario A. Dick Nowakowski has issued a dance challenge to National Ballet of Canada Principal Dancer Guillaume Côté, pledging to best Côté in an “old-fashioned dance-off”. A. Dick Nowakowski Sports & Entertainment spokesman Henry White announced Tuesday that Nowakowski would “outdance Côté any time, any place.”

Mr. Nowakowski, whose resumé includes three improvised one-man shows in non-traditional venues and one abbreviated stint as a backup dancer for Terrence Trent D’Arby, presented himself for a photo session with press photographers Monday. During the entire 1 ½ hour duration of the event, Mr. Nowakowski refused to speak, offering only menacing glares at those assembled. He also wore a t-shirt that featured a crude hand-drawn illustration depicting Mr. Côté being bitten by a dog.

Mr. Côté, for his part, trained at the prestigious National Ballet School, where he was awarded both the Peter Dwyer and the Erik Bruhn Awards and has since appeared in over 50 performances with the National Ballet. Mr. Côté seemed bewildered when asked for comment on the challenge. “To be honest,” said Mr. Côté, “I can’t say I know who that is. I’m not sure the National Ballet is big on dance-offs, but I could look into it.”

Undeterred by continuing tepid reviews of his latest dance offering “The A. Dick Dance”, Mr. Nowakowski through Mr. White maintained that his “cutting edge choreography will expose Côté for the pampered fraud that he is”. Mr. White also noted that Mr. Nowakowski continues to refine the A. Dick Dance, and has recently eliminated a sequence involving an assortment of birds of prey feeding on family pets, which had apparently left some reviewers squeamish.

As of Tuesday, Mr. White was unable to provide details as to how tickets to the dance-off would be distributed, or what the size of the purse would be. He was able to confirm that he suspected that Mr. Nowakowski would not involve the birds of prey when the time comes.

A. Dick Nowakowski Takes 115th Spot in 10k Olympic Tune-up Race

Amateur magician and distance runner A. Dick Nowakowski placed 115th overall in the November Kneeknocker 10 k held in Oakville, Ontario on the weekend, a race that he referred to as an “Olympic tuneup event”. Nowakowski noted that he has been training for the 10 km race for seven years, and has his sights on Beijing in 2008. “I felt good out there,” stated Nowakowski, who finished with a time of 1:08:37. “You don’t want to go out to fast. 10k is a long haul. Sprint out of the gate and those late chargers will get you in the end.”

Despite Nowakowski’s strategy, 13 out of 14 competitors in his age group managed to get him in the end. Nonetheless, Nowakowski insisted that the race was a success. “I ran my race, which is what I’ll have to do to have a chance of beating the Kenyans in ‘08. Stride count was good and my new Nowakowski Air Monkey shoes, which I designed myself, felt great. I was able to shave 8 minutes off my previous personal best.”

Nowakowski seemed to flinch slightly when informed that the Athens Olympic champion over 10 km, Kenenisa Bekele, finished his race in 27 minutes 5 seconds, a full 40 minutes faster than Nowakowski’s Oakville time. “He was actually at the Olympics – I’m just training for the Olympics. Of course he was faster.” noted Nowakowski, “There is a crucial difference there. Plus it is windier here, and also that guy probably didn’t have to deal with middle aged women in his race who are impossible to pass when they take smoke breaks right on the course.” This last comment by Nowakowski’s was questioned openly by onlookers as all ten runners in the women 40-44 years of age category finished ahead of Nowakowski. In addition, only three of the women were smokers.

Still, Nowakowski remained resolute in his conviction. “Based on the strides I am making, there is no doubt I can cut – what was it 40 minutes? Jesus. Anyway, there’s no doubt that I can cut 40 minutes off my time by 2008.”

Members of the athletics community were equally divided on Nowakowski’s chances of shaving from his time the 39 minutes required in order to qualify for the Canadian Olympic team and travel to Beijing. “I like his chances if he’s 75 and they introduce age-related categories at the Olympic trials,” said Wade Williams of Enormous Runner Magazine. “I think he’s ugly,” opined Rob Shipcott of Vogue.

A spokesperson for Bekele opted not to offer any comment on Nowakowski’s race result, although he did confirm that Bekele intends to defend his title in 2008. The full table of Kneeknocker results can be found at:

http://www.chiptimeresults.com/results/2005/kneeknocker10k.htm