Dick's (ultimately unsuccessful) Pitch to Kelly Beveridge of Edge 102

Hi Kelly,

Being more comedian and less marketer, I'm not entirely sure. I know putting me on a cross at Yonge and Dundas on Good Friday probably isn't a good idea.

Lets see, a simple one would be to stick me and my utterly outstanding act on a stage in front of your studios. I'll crack jokes while Andre hands out Edge t-shirts. Or, if you're a little more adventurous, I could go to clubs, do my patented monkey moonwalk and hand out pins that say "I saw a monkey moonwalk and lived to listen to the Edge". Or you could put me and the monkey in cages on poles with only M&M's to eat, and we could see who lasts longer.

I'd also be willing to crash the Junos, with me and the monkey repelling in from the roof trailing giant Edge 102 flags.

Or we could do something else.

Dick

Kelly Beveridge wrote:
Hi Dick,
What kind of a promotion were you thinking of?
Kelly
Kelly Beveridge
Promotions Coordinator
102.1 the Edge
(416) 646-8656

-----Original Message-----
From: dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca [mailto:dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca]
Sent: Friday, February 27, 2004 1:55 PM
To: Kelly Beveridge
Subject: VIA WEB: Is there room for a man and a monkey?

Dear Kelly,
I was just wondering if you ever thought of doing a promotion with a man and a monkey? I am a super-funny budding comedian with a pet vervet monkey named Andre who is an equal partner in my act. Rather than following the traditional path and working our way to the top, we've decided to offer our services in the promotion of your radio station. It seems like a natural fit - Me my monkey and my radio station. What do you think?
Dick
--------------------------
SENT: Fri, February 27, 2004 11:55:28:AM (MST)
FROM: dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca Dick Nowakowski
SUBJ: VIA WEB: Is there room for a man and a monkey?
IPAD: 192.197.69.29

Dick's Leaving for Las Vegas

www.superkaratemonkeydeathcar.org

I have a green vervet monkey as a pet, named Andre. Andre and I have a comedy routine and I am trying to break into the Vegas comedy nightclub scene. I tell jokes about bananas while Andre, perched on my shoulder, laughs and chews on my toupee. Unfortunately, we had to recently drop our pie in the face bit. It was a real crowd pleaser but at the last show we did in Atlanta, Andre got mad and took a small piece of my ear off. Monkey teeth are sharp..

Long story short, I need a place to crash next week for a couple of days while I locate a monkey tolerant landlord and longer-term accomodations. Andre is small and can fit into a shoe box. I am short and can fit into a slightly larger box, although a couch, cot or futon would be preferred. Anyone looking to split the cost of a hotel room for a few days?

Please email me your response. I have easier access to my email than to the internet during the day.

P.S. I was disappointed to find out that this website contains little, if anything, about super karate or monkeys. I am a big fan of both.

Posted by Dick Nowakowski at February 6, 2004 10:22 AM

Appeal for Assistance to Canadian Lawyers

From: dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca

To: undislosed recipients

February 23, 2004

Dear Sir,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is A. DICK NOWAKOWSKI and I am an ATTORNEY who has recently relocated to Las Vegas to pursue a lounge singing career. While you do not know me, I am writing to ask for your assistance as a most respectable and upstanding member of the CANADIAN LEGAL profession.

Although I have not been practicing law here, I have been known to help a few of my acquaintances with their legal issues from time to time. One such person was a Los Angeles multimillionaire MR. JOHN BROWN who had a strong affinity for MONKEYS. He took such an interest in my pet vervet monkey Andre (who performs in my cabaret act - some people call him "Little Dick") that when he came to ask my help in drafting his will, I was able to convince him to leave $20 million US to Andre.

My acquaintance, MR. BROWN, the multimillionaire was killed in a plane crash in Nigeria two weeks ago. As I am not licensed to practice in Nevada, I was unaware that in this state, monkeys are not able to be beneficiaries under wills (unfortunately the monkey witnessed the will as well, which is a secondary problem). This is why I am seeking your help.
If you are willing to provide me with your trust account number, bank transit number, social insurance number, credit card number with expiry date, an copy of your signature and a recent photograph of yourself, as well as a sworn affidavit stating that my monkey is your client, I will give you 10% of the funds which to which Andre is entitled.

Please contact me at this address with the information and to arrange for payment of your share. I look forward to doing business with you.

Yours in trust,
A. Dick Nowakowski

Pet Marketing

From: "Rob" View Contact Details
To: "'A. Dick Nowakowski'"
Subject: RE: Opportunities
Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 16:10:05 -0500

Hi Dick,

Thanks for the email. Where are you based now? I’m curious as to what the ‘interactive’ aspect of your business is… it’s not clear from your mail. If you give me a phone number I’ll give you a call.

Rob

Robert Swick
Strategy Internet Marketing
819.843.0044
Director, IMC 2004

-----Original Message-----
From: A. Dick Nowakowski [mailto:dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca]
Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 4:03 PM
To: rswick@montrealmedia.com

Subject: Opportunities

Dear Mr. Swick,
I am planning a move to Montreal in six months and read the description of your organization with interest. Over the past year I have been involved in the startup of an interactive marketing firm with a target market of pets and pet-related products. The "twist", so to speak, is that we have 11 animals on our payroll and seek to generate interest in pet products by speaking squarely to the pet-lovers who buy the products and even the pets themselves. When up and running, our team of dogs, cats and monkeys will fan out with their human handlers to trade shows, customer events and residential doorsteps, providing a real and tangible link between the products and the people who buy them. Much as toy ads whip children into a frenzy aimed at encouraging their parents to buy the toys to placate them, the arrival of one of our furry reps at a customer's residence is projected to have a similar effect on the pet lovers who answer the door and the pets who scurry up behind them.

I would be interested in hearing about the services and partnership opportunities that your association provides. In addition, we are in the process of obtaining seed capital for the venture and would be grateful for any assistance that you might be able to provide.
Thank you for your time.

Yours sincerely,

Dick Nowakowski

Super Karate Monkey Death Car

I have a green vervet monkey as a pet, named Andre. Andre and I have a comedy routine and I am trying to break into the Vegas comedy nightclub scene. I tell jokes about bananas while Andre, perched on my shoulder, laughs and chews on my toupee. Unfortunately, we had to recently drop our pie in the face bit. It was a real crowd pleaser but at the last show we did in Atlanta, Andre got mad and took a small piece of my ear off. Monkey teeth are sharp.

Long story short, I need a place to crash next week for a couple of days while I locate a monkey tolerant landlord and longer-term accomodations. Andre is small and can fit into a shoe box. I am short and can fit into a slightly larger box, although a couch, cot or futon would be preferred. Anyone looking to split the cost of a hotel room for a few days?

Please email me your response. I have easier access to my email than to the internet during the day.

P.S. I was disappointed to find out that this website contains little, if anything, about super karate or monkeys. I am a big fan of both.

Posted by: Dick Nowakowski on February 6, 2004 10:22 AM