International Beermaster A. Dick Nowakowski Develops Beer with Flavour of Cornish Hen

After several years of searching for a new beer to complement his ever-popular amber beer, Dick's Red Ale, International Beer Master A. Dick Nowakowski believes he and his team have hit a home run. Starting in late fall 2005, Dick’s Cornish Hen Pale Lager will adorn shelves of beer sellers across Canada and in St. Pierre and Miquelon.

The news follows an August 2004 announcement by researchers at A. Dick Nowakowski Laboratories in the Caledon Hills north of Toronto of a breakthrough in the brewing process that will allow beer to be made using a wide range of animal extracts. Nowakowski says that after refining the process to eliminate grizzle, it was simply a matter of finding the right animal to put in the beer. “My personal favourite was a stout in the tradition of a Czech dark beer that we developed from cat extract. Unfortunately market research was less than stellar, and as we know, market research never lies. To the birds we went.”

As with his ill-fated chili-flavoured Firebeer, Nowakowski faces an uphill battle with brewing traditionalists. Cornish hen extract is not one of the four ingredients permitted for use in beer under the Bavarian Purity Act of 1516. In response to complaints, Nowakowski decries the rigid application of the Act, noting that the hen extract has enough flavour to eliminate the need for hops entirely, while also providing a valuable source of protein. “Just because they couldn’t do it in 1516 doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it today, ” says Nowakowski, “By that logic we’d all still be calling a piper to deal with a rat problem instead of using super-effective repellants, such as Rat-Away, made by our sister company, Decontaminants by Dick.” To date his efforts to have the Bavarian Purity Act amended have been fruitless.

Beer critics who were provided with advanced samples of Cornish Hen Lager were very positive on the whole. “If you can put the ingredients out of your mind for long enough to take a sip, there is a chance you may find it surprisingly not unpleasant,” was the verdict of Darren Kirkwood of All About Beer Magazine. “Mind-boggling” says Roger Ebert of Ebert and Ropert at the Movies. And in this month’s BeerGuzzler News, social scene reporter Dan Rabinowitz writes “ I suppose if you have been sitting around thinking that what the dark beer market has been missing is a lager with a decidedly gamy aftertaste, then Cornish Hen Lager is the beer for you.”

Nowakowski expects the final product to come in around 7% alcohol depending on how the hen extract ferments. The initial retail price will be a very attractive $4.99 for a case of twelve. Design work is already under way on distinctive bird-shaped bottles and a new case to accommodate the bottles, as well as new trucks to accommodate the cases.

Amateur Stuntman A. Dick Nowakowski to Attempt to Better Human Projectile Record in Support of Peace in Sub-Saharan Africa

On January 23, 2006 in Thunder Bay Ontario, amateur stuntman and noted industrialist A. Dick Nowakowski will attempt to shatter the current human projectile world distance record of 185 feet, 10 inches, held by David Smith of Halfway, Missouri. In order to do so, Nowakowski has assembled a team of ballistics experts who will combine their talents to resurrect Project Babylon, a 1990 attempt by Saddam Hussein to construct the world’s largest cannon using misappropriated British technology.

Previous attempts at the world record pale in comparison to Nowakowski’s current plans. Whereas a standard human cannonball cannon has a barrel length of about 8 feet, the Project Babylon cannon will have a barrel length of over 500 feet, giving Nowakowski a critical advantage over the current record holder.

The logistics of the attempt are spectacular. When Nowakowski emerges from the barrel of the Babylon gun in his transparent plastic casing, he will have a muzzle velocity of 700 metres per second. Although the cannon was designed to have a range of over 750 kilometres with a standard shell, experts estimate that a projectile with Nowakowski inside will only have a range of about 600 km. Provided the expert calculations are correct, this should still be easily adequate to shatter the existing record.

Join Nowakowski at 7 a.m. at the baseball diamonds off of John Street in George Burke Park, where the newly-constructed Babylon gun will be ready to propel Nowakowski into the history books. Alternatively, gather in the zoo special events area at Assiniboine Park in Winnipeg, Manitoba where Nowakowski’s landing pad will be erected. A straight line calculation of the 600km radius and a flight time of 15 minutes places Nowakowski’s landing in Winnipeg at about 7:15 am.

Nowakowski’s efforts (or technically the Babylon gun’s efforts) will be made in support of the peace effort in Sub-Saharan Africa. Donations will be accepted by pail-toting British scientists at the Thunder Bay launch site, and at an international peace concert to be headlined by Nowakowski later in the day at the Winnipeg target site. Also performing will be Jeff Woodlock and his screaming banjo. After the event, the Babylon gun will be donated to the Zambian government which intends to convert it for use in civilian relief projects.

Still Dizzy After All These Years: DJ A. “Dizzy” Dick Nowakowski and Sidekick Andre the Singing Monkey to Reunite for Mammoth Central Park Concert

After spending significant portions of 2005 apart, trance legend A. Dick Nowakowski, a.k.a. DJ “Dizzy” Dick, has announced that he has succumbed to mounting public pressure and will reunite with longtime sidekick Andre the Singing Monkey for a monstrous concert beside the cricket pitch in Central Park on September 17, 2005. Work crews have been assembling a portable 200-foot high bandshell on the site since late August.

Officials for A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment estimate that up to two million people (including cricket players) might attend the Saturday night event, which will also serve as the CD release party for the duo’s seventh studio trance album, “Dizzle Dick Fever”. The first 50 persons in attendance will receive a free “Still Dizzy After All These Years” T-shirt as well as a DJ Dizzy Dick toothbrush holder.

Since the break-up, which was retro-active to early August, DJ Dizzy Dick continued with his hectic tour schedule throughout Lothian and the Middle East, and then returned to his ranch in the Caledon Hills, from which he toured the Georgian Bay area lecturing on a range of gardening-related topics and promoting his patented gardening tool, the Garden Dick.

Meanwhile, Andre the Singing Monkey performed a solo show of Nowakowski material in France, which received mixed reviews. Due to vocal chord problems, remaining Andre tour dates in France were performed by a robotic mock-up of A. Dick Nowakowski while Andre convalesced in Switzerland.

Said Nowakowski of the Central Park show,

“I think it really was time for a reunion. With public pressure mounting, I had L’il Andre up to my ranch last week and we hashed out our creative differences. As it turned out, it was just a matter of punctuation. Once that was settled, we discovered that we were really on the same page – creatively, spiritually and mentally. The new partnership agreement was a cinch to conclude.”

The concert will be a homecoming of sorts for Dick, who served a portion of his 1988 sentence for various federal environmental dumping offences across the river in the minimum-security East Jersey State Prison. During those 7 months, Andre the Monkey worked as a military crossing guard in neighbouring Rahway, NJ.

Special guests at the concert include Nowakowski dance partner Wade Williams and Mike Bullard, formerly of Open Mike with Mike Bullard, who will perform a duet with Andre the Singing Monkey. The concert will be free with a donation and will be given in support of social reform in the U.S. Midwest.

Andre the Singing Monkey Solo Concert Ends in Brawl

Moments into Andre the Singing Monkey’s first solo concert since his early September break with long time songwriting partner A. Dick Nowakowski, unruly audience members in Lyon, France began pelting the stage with bananas. Although it is unclear as to whether the audience gesture was racially-motivated, a clearly shaken Andre stumbled through a cover of “Bringing Peace to the Streets with A. Dick Beats” and then took shelter off stage.

When Andre did not immediately return, despite chants of “On veut le singe!”, and began to perform a second song, “Nowakowification” while concealed behind the drum set, audience members rushing the stage began to clash with security. Andre was forced to leave his hiding place when several concert-goers breached security and proceeded to destroy a robotic mock-up of A. Dick Nowakowski which was to be used in the second set.

The Sunday night concert was cancelled and Andre retreated to an undisclosed location across the border in Switzerland. Initial reports suggest that up to 35 people were taken to hospital after the show. The majority had cuts and broken bones, although there were five concussions, two sprained MCL’s and a single case of scurvy. According to A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment spokesman Henry White, the concert in Lyon would not be rescheduled and the company was considering charging the Ville de Lyon for repairs to the robot.

A. Dick Nowakowski and Monkey Sidekick to Part Ways

A. Dick Nowakowski spokesman Henry White announced Friday that leading industrialist and folk legend A. Dick Nowakowski would be splitting with his longtime sidekick Andre the Singing Monkey effective August 12, 2005. Citing irreconcilable artistic differences as the cause of the split, White noted that A. Dick Nowakowski had been writing and performing music for 18 months before he joined forces with Andre, and that this move would allow him to be more true to his musical roots. White confirmed that the 22-foot inflatable monkey which formed the backdrop for all of Nowakowski’s performances would remain part of the shows.

Industry critics have suggested for several years that Andre was the creative force behind the Nowakowski Family Folk Singers, despite the fact that he was not technically a member of the Nowakowski family. A piece appearing in the April edition of BusinessMonkey magazine listed Andre as the third most powerful monkey in the entertainment industry, fuelling speculation that he might make a bid for control of A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment. At the time Andre denied having such intentions, stating that he was “unlikely to push Nowakowski out at the current time”.

White read a short prepared statement on behalf of Nowakowski. “It is with great sadness that I publicize my split with L’il Andre. I can barely remember a time when I hit the stage to sing my songs or dance my dances without the monkey being present. I wish him a pleasant career.”

Andre’s place on the current leg Nowakowification Tour will be taken by Jeff Woodlock and his screaming banjo until a suitable replacement can be found. Andre the Singing monkey will remain under contract to A. Dick Nowakowski Sports and Entertainment.