A. Dick Nowakowski Announces Retirement of Andre the Vervet Monkey from Public Airwaves

A. Dick Nowakowski held a press conference on Monday at the Drake Hotel in Toronto to announce the official retirement of his beloved pet vervet monkey Andre from the public airwaves. Andre, star of the long-running CFRB hit radio series “The Answer Monkey” will stop taking calls from do-it-yourselfers, people with legal problems and those in religious conundrums as of September 15, 2005.

Although Andre the Monkey did not speak or even appear at the press conference as he was presenting at a Star Trek convention in Florida, he did issue a brief statement read by his personal assistant, Hank White,

“It is great sadness that I relinquish my public role as the Answer Monkey. Helping people in trouble always provided me with greater purpose in life than a monkey could hope for. Unfortunately public radio did not provide me with greater financial rewards than a monkey could hope for. I am therefore stepping down to concentrate on my venture capital business. Fortunately I have reached a deal with the board of directors which will allow me to continue in my role as Andre the Singing Monkey, sidekick to folk legend A. Dick Nowakowski. I look forward to seeing you at our next presentation of Baghdad Dick, Dick’s one man, one monkey show about peace and children.”

Nowakowski put Andre’s contribution to the Toronto community in perspective, “I don’t think there is a single wedding reception, fashion trend or garage conversion that has taken place in the GTA in the past 30 years that hasn’t benefited in some way from the Answer Monkey’s advice. However, their loss is my gain. My audiences consistently demand more monkey in my folk concerts, and now I can give them what they want.”

Andre did not rule out a return to the public airwaves in the event that the economics of the position improve. Nowakowski, who also acts as Andre’s agent, financial advisor and trustee, noted that the unexpected early closing of Baghdad Dick’s run in Damascus has opened up some time in Andre’s schedule.

CFRB has not announced a replacement for the Answer Monkey, citing waning interest in the program and a lack of talking animals with relevant experience.

For further information, please contact A. Dick Nowakowski Sports & Entertainment c/o dicknowakowski2003@yahoo.ca.