A. Dick Nowakowski’s Bird Flu Pandemic Protection Tips

Despite the imminent onset of a massive deadly bird flu pandemic, there has been surprisingly little information distributed by health authorities on how the public can protect itself and its families. To that end, noted saxophonist and social activist A. Dick Nowakowski offers fourteen practical safety tips that will provide maximum protection from the H5N1 virus at minimum cost.


1. Avoid contracting foot and mouth disease. Bird flu is extremely deadly for persons already stricken with foot and mouth disease.

2. Watch for chickens that are sneezing or coughing, or that are in drug stores buying Contact ‘C’. Also avoid people who you suspect to be buying Contact ‘C’ for sick chickens.

3. Your immune system is your only defence against the pandemic and should be kept in tip-top shape. This can only be done by way of regular practice. Try to contract the regular flu every 2-3 weeks to ensure that your immune system is at its best.

4. Wash your hands at least five times per day in a simple solution of PCB’s and water, which will kill bird flu virus on contact. (PCB’s can be found at abandoned hydro stations or near the sites of tire fires.)

5. Pigs are often incubators for human forms of the bird virus. If you see a pig, turn and walk quickly in the opposite direction, or simply get off the bus (assuming you are on a bus – don’t get on a bus just so you can follow this instruction).

6. Start a Bird-Flu-Free Club with friends and co-workers, to the exclusion of all others. Ensure that all members of the club are tested for bird flu every two to three days.

7. If you are over 65 years of age, you are particularly susceptible to the bird flu virus. Fortunately you also lived through the Cold War. Roughly the same precautions that you somehow thought would protect you from an enemy nuclear strike will also work against the bird flu, assuming you still have your backyard fallout shelter.

8. If you are in doubt as to whether symptoms you are experiencing are actually bird flu, stay home from work for at least two months. Ideally some of this time will coincide with the Winter Olympics.

9. If, however, you do decide to go to work, a simple scarecrow can be fashioned out of file boxes, coat-hangers and a pumpkin, and placed outside your office door. This will keep most types of birds at a safe distance.

10. If you currently have any meetings scheduled with chickens, try to reschedule for April, after flu season has run its course.

11. If you must keep poultry around the office, ensure that you are not relying on padlocks and chain-link fences to contain your flock, as these are entirely inadequate to detain chickens (see Chicken Run movie).

12. Vote Conservative. (To date only the Conservatives have made the bird flu scare a central element of their electoral platform. Prevailing wisdom is that the coming pandemic is the result of widespread Liberal corruption and mismanagement and that it can be staved off by a change in government.)

13. Consider it your patriotic duty not to contract bird flu. If we all contract bird flu, the terrorists have won.

14. Regardless of what you are told by the media or your government, Tamiflu is the go-to drug here. Hoard as much Tamiflu as possible.