A. Dick Nowakowski Announces Retirement from Competitive Fencing

Noted industrialist and jazzicist A. Dick Nowakowski held a press conference at his Dickland Ranch and Game Farm earlier today to announce his retirement from the world of competitive fencing. Citing “political interference” in the selection of Canada’s national fencing team as the primary reason for his decision, Nowakowski explained that he had never been able to reach his full potential in the sport and would not settle for mediocrity

Reporters who attended the surprising conference were unable to unearth any evidence that Nowakowski, who had not appeared in a news release for over 4 1/2 months, ever participated in competitive fencing at any level. The single connection between Nowakowski and fencing that was located came in the form of a recollection from a childhood friend that Nowakowski had once accompanied him to a Cub Scouts party where members of the troupe were allowed to play with plastic swords.

Nowakowski did not take questions, but left that task to longtime spokesperson and Nowakowski family confidant Hank White. White quickly disposed of questions relating to Nowakowski’s history in fencing, calling them “not worth addressing” and instead went on to read what appeared to be a prepared statement that highlighted the importance of fencing to the Canadian mosaic and noted that Nowakowski was sincere in his hope that those in the sport could “shake off the shackles imposed on them by Fencing Canada and continue to build on the legacy that Nowakowski left as a gift to fencers across the country”. When pressed on the details of that legacy, White simply noted that it was related to “foil choice”.

Before departing with a fling of his A. Dick Duds cape, White announced that Nowakowski was considering funding the A. Dick Cup, which would be an alternative Canadian fencing championship. According to White, negotiations were underway with the Rogers Centre and other potential venues in the Greater Caledon area.